Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

I hate when that happens.

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

Short story

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.