On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
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This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳