On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
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Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.