On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”