Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

5 ways to appear taller

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

🤝

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up