On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
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Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Whisper out to librarians!
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby