On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
u spoke cat all this time??????
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.