Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE