Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

My circle of trust is a meatball

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do