[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
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[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Raisins are grape jerky.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft