[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks