[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station