Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

As the Lord intended