[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
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Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Video games don’t cause violence, but they do teach you that it’s important to always loot the corpse.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”