Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

Cashiers are always checking me out

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

A decision was made here.

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

bro what is going on at twitter

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.