[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
No way!
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano