Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

worst…sale…ever