on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
A family that plays together cheats.
Sooo many times…..
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity