Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.