Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

doing some research

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.