On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level