Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.