On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.