On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you鈥檙e standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you鈥檙e standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma鈥檃m, they are dead
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
When I die, don鈥檛 burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won鈥檛 be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
No one :
Me when I swimming :
My kids are out of town so I鈥檓 going to get wild and drink my coffee while it鈥檚 still hot.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”