Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

This billboard speaks to me

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.