On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
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*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.