On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
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Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I don’t know what to do
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms