Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

But is it really??

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?