[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.