Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.