Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

Basketball games are very squeaky.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Ok but actually

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.