Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

LMFAOOOO

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday