On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Ron is short for Aaronald
that colleague who touches your screen
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.