Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.