Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

they see me scrollin

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.