On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
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No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Well, this is awkward
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.