On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
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(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
How about daylight saves us for once
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.