On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
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Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
dude it’s called proctologist
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”