On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Always a housemaid, never a house.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.