On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Good morning
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting