Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

But that’s none of my business

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!