Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.