on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
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america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?