on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
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My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I get distracted pretty eas
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Aight bet
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir