on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
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“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*