On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
You Might Also Like
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
PARKOUR
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Is this a threat?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required