On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*


You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn


I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.


Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.


No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.


One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me