On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My god she’s good.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..