On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Blew my mind.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
