Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars