On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
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An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
black phone good
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”