Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

United Steaks of America

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.