On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
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They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!