On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Scream sneezers need love too.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…