On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
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Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
mood
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.