On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
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Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?