On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Stick it to the man
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”