Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.