On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
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today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
don’t be scared
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?