On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
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It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
i was dropped as an adult
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
here we go again
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
