On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
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GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
#polloftheday
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
So true for me
