On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
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AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.