Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

My life coach traded me.

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

Plant care tips

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁