On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
