*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
That 👊
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I have never related to a cat more
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.