*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
Wikigenius
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
get you a girl who
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.