Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.