[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.