on da cob, we all corn
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If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Guys which shade of gery should I get
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive