Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”