on da cob, we all corn
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I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
yes, those are my real potatoes.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Autocorrect completely socks
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.