On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Cold.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
What about a To-Don’t List?
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.